That night you said words and the possible thoughts behind them scared me. I don't remember exactly what you said, but in the darkness I could feel a panic growing in side of me and I don't like being panicked. The intend of your speech was to see if we needed to redefine our relationship and I said "Why would we need to do that." Then you made me start first when you asked "Well, what do you think we are?" and I stopped any dialogue with a declarative speech act. I paused longer than I wanted to and the silence stretched to a stride or more and created a desperate void in the night between us. "I think we are just friends."
Just.
Friends.
And we are and it's all I have ever wanted out of my knowing you.
And you were silent.
And I ran from the quiet and said something about how I have always liked cities at night and I know you saw right through that.
So we hugged an awkward platonic hug and you got on your train and I got on my train and we left each other alone.
That evening I emailed you to let you know that I had gotten home safely and you wrote back "Good." the next morning and didn't talk to me until at a month and a half later.
You know what I noticed? Before that night you would show up on my Facebook and like most things that I posted or comment on things or start conversations. But after? Not a peep. I decided that the most plausible explanation was that you were busy with school.
Were you?
Or were you just giving me space?
Or did I hurt you?
You are dear to me. Know that. I am more fond of you than I would like to be, though this could be late night and loneliness and concern talking. But why did you have to do that? Why did I? You gave me a copy of my favorite poet's works and marked my favorite sonnet with the red bookmark though I didn't think to see what it marked until I was home. You know what bothers me?
You never said what you think.
I still don't know and I don't know if I would rather know or not. I would like to know that someone, you, who I hold in high estimation, values me beyond just friendship. But I don't want to be on the end of the conversation where I say: "Thank you but no." because that is what I would say. Why would I do that? I will create a list because I love lists. (You also seem to like that I like lists and I don't know what to do with that.)
1. I made a promise to myself Freshman year to guard against situations like this.
2. I am not attracted to you. Stronger: The thought of being attracted to you revolts me.
3. I don't enjoy your company as completely as I can when with other people.
4. I feel like I need to be a different person around you. Not better, just better. I cannot relax with you.
I talked to one of our professors once who brought up how late he got married and how he knew his wife was the one. He said that he felt that he could be completely himself with her, though that was not one of the things he was looking for. It just felt right. It struck me and I realized that is something I value. You don't feel right, so why am I so unsettled about this?
I just want to know what went through your heart.
